In all times, be them good or bad, there’s been one constant in my life. The feeling of agitation, anxiety, of my head always asking so much questions and going in so much places all at once. The feeling that there is so much mental and physical energy that needs to be expressed in some way.
Sometimes it’s a great feeling. If I do something that I enjoy, like listening to an album or watching a movie it only adds to it. I get into it a lot, and my brain constantly asks questions and seeks answers. I get very analytical of the thing that I’m doing. I don’t just watch a movie – I question its every aspect and want to know more about the director, the actors, the screenwriting, the story etc. It’s also how I got obsessed over music. It’s the same when I write. This is the reason why I’ve never written an article after even a single beer, because I lose that thing. That thing that makes me go back to every sentence to try to find a better way to put it. That part of the brain that always tells me that it’s not good enough and that I can do better.
Sometimes though, I wish everything would just slow down. Just for one day. I wish I could just relax and not feel the need to do something and feel something and experience something. It’s good to always be aware and alert, but it’s also exhausting. I don’t know how to just “chill”. I don’t know how to put my brain on hold. I want to be able to do this without any substances, because that feels like cheating. I also want to do this by myself. Thinking back on my previous relationship, I think I was a lot calmer back then. But I don’t want to search for love just in hope that it would help me become more comfortable with who I am. That seems unfair too.
I go to the gym once every 2 days. It helps and I’ve come to really like it, but I still don’t think it’s enough. The last couple of weeks have been kind of unbearable from this point of view. I’ve tried meditating every day because I read that it helps to peace and control your inner thoughts. To be honest, I find it very hard to sit still for 10-15 minutes and concentrate on not thinking about anything. Maybe that’s the point and I should continue working on it. I don’t even know if I’m doing it right. I’ve felt a certain calmness afterwards, but very slight.
Many people complain that they feel unmotivated and unable to do anything. I’ve never been able to relate to that, because for me it’s the complete opposite. I want to do too many things and fill my head with too much stuff all at once. You’d think that sleeping helps, but lately it feels only like an extension of what I’m feeling when I’m awake. I have insane, intense dreams that seem to scoop into my most personal fears and bring them up. I wake up even more tired and agitated after 10 hours of sleep.
I’m sure this is just a phase. I keep telling myself that. I don’t want to be too dramatic about it. I just felt the need to write about and share it. Maybe some people will relate. Maybe you’ll think this is all stupid compared to your own actual problems. That’s fine too. I hope you have a good day.